I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
