he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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