I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
