you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
