I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
