I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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