sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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