Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
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