You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
