dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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