The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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