does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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