I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
