Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
