3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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