I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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