I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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