Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
