i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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