so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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