I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
