You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
People with herpes should wear stickers.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
