I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
