Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
