my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
