between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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