dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
