Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
