The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
