2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
