all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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