Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
