Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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