I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
