strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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