All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
