I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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