I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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