This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
