I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
