k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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