Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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