a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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