I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
