Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
