im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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