Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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