someone get that fucking seahorse.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
