i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
