next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
