I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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